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Saw 3D
Please God, let it be over
Oh my gosh. I never thought that, in 2010, I would see a movie that I could say is in the top five worst movies that I have ever seen. That honor is only bestowed upon the vilest, most putrid, most morose movies imaginable. Those are the kind of movies that should have been dumped in a landfill in New Mexico shortly after their release. Let’s take a look back at my list, shall we? Movies like BloodRayne, Hostel Part II, The Midnight Meat Train, The Hero of Time, and Alone in the Dark plague it. Well, now they have some company.
My congratulations goes out to Saw 3D, the vilest, most putrid, most morose movie of 2010, and number three on my list of the worst movies ever.
Let me just go ahead and lay something out on the table: I hate all of the Saw movies. I consider the Saw series to be the worst series of anything in history. I previously felt that way about the Friday the 13th series, of which I hate every entry as well, including the remake. Now, I’m not blind to the fact that there are many, many Saw fans in the world. Some of my friends are fans. My former youth minister is a fan. I don’t get it. Do they like being grossed out? Is the purpose of these movies to plant irremovable images in peoples’ minds? Is that the “magic” of Saw?
Well, I’m sorry. I never have believed in fairies.
Saw 3D is the seventh and worst Saw film but that’s sort of like saying that eating dog crap is better than eating human crap. In summary, it’s all crap. I could just leave it at that but for some reason I am actually going to try to wrap my mind around the not-even-close-to-intricate intricacies of it so I can relate to the screenwriters who wrap their hands around big fat paychecks, which is obviously the only reason that these movies are still being made. They’re not fooling anybody with the bullshit about “trying to finish what they started”.
Around the, oh, I don’t know, second movie, Saw became completely predictable. It is so easy to point out exactly what is going to happen. ***NOT-SPOILING-ANYTHING SPOILER ALERT*** Everybody dies. Nearly everyone dies in every Saw movie. SURPRISE! ***SPOILER ALERT END*** I watched this movie with Shawn Ross, who's doing the second opinion on here, and I told him exactly what was going to happen (see spoiler alert) and it did happen. The only thing I didn’t see and couldn’t have seen coming was the twist at the end and that’s because it doesn’t make any damn sense at all and it’s wholly pathetic.
Poor Cary Elwes. He was in the first Saw and about ten minutes of this one and I sat staring sadly at the screen every time he showed up. How did one of the biggest stars of the 90s get reduced to this? Of course I realize that he’s only doing it for the money because he’ll take anything that he can get nowadays and that’s a shame really because I used to like him as an actor. I could also say poor Tobin Bell and poor Costas Mandylor. Bell is a great actor whom I have seen in several movies but he has permanently ruined his reputation in my book. Mandylor is not well-known but is not bad at all. I hope that Steven Spielberg watches Saw someday and sees him and decides to cast him in one of his films. That is an unlikely scenario but Mandylor really does do the best that he can with this shitty material. And was Chester from Linkin Park seriously in this movie? Wow…good luck with the film career.
I also realize that a lot of people, even ones that aren’t Saw fans, are going to go see Saw 3D because of the last two letters of its name. Beware of the deception; it’s barely 3D at all (the only thing that flew at my face was a saw; imagine that), it looks better without the glasses on (as I observed), and, besides, who wants to see, in graphic detail, the fleshy inside of a woman’s face as it is ripped open? The answer to that will determine just how much therapy a person needs. I believe that everyone who is involved with these movies should consult a psychologist immediately.
Hopefully this is the end of the Saw series. It probably won’t be. That will be determined by if the people involved think it made enough money or not. They will probably still be making them by the time I turn 30.
But I can make this one guarantee: if and when it does end, it will be completely forgotten about within days. The only time it will ever come up again in conversation is as a punchline to a joke.
Score: Zero
Categories: None
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